Thursday, February 11, 2010

Theresa Star Sheppard Scott... my mom

It has been almost two years since my mom has passed away, it will be two years on feb 22. Not a day goes by that I dont still think of her everyday. I miss her soo much and long to tell her so many things that have happended since she has been gone. I sometimes find myself asking why her. I dont know the answer and I know I never will. Mom got diagnosed when I was ending my first semester of nursing school but the out come we thought was great, she needed a new bladder because cancer had taken it over so mom went to indianapolis where they reconstructed her colon and gave her a new bladder. The doctors told us that they had gottn it all and we were very excited as she was too but then halloween rolled around and they told her the cancer had spread and that they wanted to do chemo and radiation. Mom was a trooper and did what she had to do but it was no good there wasnt anything helping her to cure this. I wont lie I thought og she will pull through and get over this and I was in denial. Man was I in denial big time. Mom wasnt getting any better and I was entering my third and last semester of nursing school. I could not concentrate at all and underneath I was hiding my fear and worries all the while failing school. I remember the day I withdrew like it was yesterday and I remember I wasnt going to tell my mom that I had withdrew but that same day as I called her I told my stepdad and he said dont tell your mother and I agreed because I didnt want to upset her at all. Well mom gets on the phone at the hospital and the first thing she asked me about was school. I was thinking ok do I tell her the truth or do I lie to her... well I couldnt lie to my mom and I told her all the while trying to hold back my tears that I withdrew because I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. Mom of course broke down and cried she siad it was all her fault and I felt horrible!! How could she blame herself??? She didnt ask for cancer to attack her body she didnt ask for any of this!! And she felt bad for me, I couldnt belive it. I knew it was what I had to do because I knew I could finish school another time but I would never have that time back with my mom. I spent as much time with her as I could and I remember I was going to call the cancer center of america and try to get her in. I wanted to do whatever I could for her, but it was too late mom quit breathing during a rountine surgery and was put on a ventilator. I was scared but I had seen people on them before and I remember preparing Doug for what he was about to see and let me tell you I was NOT prepared when I walked into the 3rd floor ICU. I lost it right then and there. Seeing someone you love so much in that situation was one of the hardest things I have EVER had to deal with. Mom passed away three days later and she was soo happy, I on the other hand was confused I didnt understand how someone could be soo happy that was passing away. It wasnt like she didnt know she was dying because she did know, mom wanted to know everything and everything we told her even when we really didnt want too. Mom knew when they were going to turn off the vent and she was ready, she was ready and we werent. She laughed and cried with me that day and I will NEVER forget the talks we had. Mom of course couldnt talk but shaking her head was enough. Mom even danced in her hospital bed that day and looking back now I know we were all blessed that she passed the way she did. I still miss her bad and some days are better then others and I try to be strong for myself and my sisters but inside I hurt everday. Why you mom WHY??? I wanna scream Im so angry and hurt because I dont understand any of this!! I cant hardley type right now because the tears are flowing. All I want is for this pain to go away just go away. We needed you here with us mom, there is so much we feel like you are missing and I know you are in heaven and you see it all but its not the same, its not the same ay all without you here. I wish someone could help me through the pain. I know to most people it looks like I handle the loss of my mom very well but truth be told Im an awesome faker. If you all could only feel what my heart feels then you would see that it still hurts like it was yesterday. I get excited and who do I want to call.... my MOM. Mom you will always have a special place in my heart and I hope Iam half the woman and mother you were. I miss you and I love you very much mom, Love your daughter....Michelle

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