Tuesday, December 7, 2010

random thoughts and feelings

OMG Its been FOREVER since my last post, I know I hate not being able to get on here and blog but I havent got internet at the house. I hate not knowing whats going on in the blogger world!! So I will try my best to post whenever and where ever I can!!

Random thoughts.... Why cant a guy do something nice for you JUST BECAUSE?? Like send you flowers at work JUST BECAUSE they are thinking about you?? I have NEVER had that happen and probably wont for a long time. You know like JUST BECAUSE im thinking about you kinda thing. IDK about alot of you out there but I LOVE when a guy just wants to show you in some way hey Im thinking about you or I miss you. Does that even really happen??

This weekend was pretty good I had the kiddos friday and saturday and though we didnt do too much we still had fun. It snowed saturday so the kids played a little outside and they were always running in and out saying they were cold which it was but whats funny is they changed 500 times and the laundry piled up. Im sure I did that as a kid myself and I can only imagine what thoughts were running through my moms head so If you were still here with us mom I would tell you Im sorry for all the running in and out of the house and leaving you with all that wet snowy laundry lol.

Fire banquet was saturday night and I figured it would have been alot better then it was. While the food was just ok it was nothing to write home about, the awards were ok but all in all it wasnt what I was expecting. But saturday night ended up paying off for itself and it was LOVELY!!

Sunday me and kids played cds and turned the music up and let me tell you they crack me up!! Bradley thinks hes soo gangster and hes only 7. The moves the boy has make me burst out with laughter at him. If you could only see him lol. Kaylan shes a little diva and her personality is soo funny!! Oh how I LOVE those two kiddos of mine!!

Forgiveness... there has been alot of that going on lately and it makes me feel WONDERFUL!! I have forgivin alot of people and have been trying to be a better person. Even though I havent been to church in a LONG time I know that forgivness is a step in the right direction. I feel like if I was to walk into church right now I would be wrong because I know Im not doing what I should be doing. Yes I know GOD forgives and I want my life on track I do. I just feel right now my life is so off track and I know I will get it together and be happier. I only hope that people can forgive me for the mistakes I have made and the hurt I have caused people. I never wanted or thought my life would end up like this.

Oh Kelly Carriss why Im on the random thoughts I LOVE the hand santizer bottle you made with the polka dots ribbon and letter K on it and I was thinking That One with a letter M in the shelbyville rd office would look really cute by my computer and shot room area. Juat thought youd wanna know that!! :)

Christmas this year.... ugggh I dont even wanna think about it!! Really I havent bought the first present yet for my kiddos or anyone else and thats odd for me. IDK this year I guess Im not excited at all because this will be my first christmas where me and Doug and the kids arent a family. Its been the four of us for a really LONG time and now this is our first year apart and YES Im sad. We have had or ups and downs together but we always made sure christmas was special. I miss the fun times the laughter and joy we shared on christmas seeing our kids open up presents and this year we cant do that together. I cant put the blame all on him and I cant put the blame all on me because it was OUR marriage that we both FAILED at. How I wish we were granted wishes so that I could erase alot of pain and hurt that we have caused each other. I only hope that one day we can truely forgive each other. I NEVER ment to hurt him or my kids that was NEVER my intentions but guess what I hurt them and I cant take any of it back because If I could things wouldnt be like this for me, him or our kids. I WILL ALWAYS have love for him I will and Im not ashamed to say that no matter what other people think. We did have really good times in our marriage and I miss that. I have to be strong though for myself and my kids. If I could only say the things to him that I truly want to say to him I would hope he would listen and know they are straight from my heart. He is the ONE person that I wish I never hurt. I know if I could talk to him he wouldnt believe me he would think I was only saying the things I need to say to try and win him over yet again but only I know how I feel and only I know whats real in my heart. Timw will heal this hurt and pain I have caused to my kids and him right?? Maybe one day I will get the chance to talk to him and tell him how I feel without holding back and being scared.

So Kaylan and I played dressup the other night and It was too funny she put on my wedding dress that I wore over 12 years ago and it was cute she really was, lol I tried to get it on but the damn thing wouldnt zip up in the back. I really thought I was skinner now then I was then, Kaylan was only 6 months old when we got married so I thought I was bigger then who knows maybe Kaylan just wasnt zipping it up right lol.

Thats enough for now but I hope all are well and happy!!!

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