Wednesday, November 3, 2010

You want honesty then you got it!!!

Ok lets go... I always blog mostly anout my kids (Yeah I know) Why because honestly its easier for me not to really think about whats really going on in my life right now. I dont have one of these fairy tale blogs where everything seems perfect because well Im not perfect and this is my life!!! I cant sleep at night all I do is toss and turn the entire night, why cant I sleep??? The funny thing is though that when I do fall asleep all I do is have these weird dreams and I do mean weird where Im being killed and chased. Why cant I dream of something good? Like naked hot guys lol no I have to dream about someone wanting to kill me!! If I hear a noise in my house I jump and then cant fall asleep because I keep waiting for someone to break in. Maybe they will break in a whisk me away to a far away nice warm beach!!! If thats the case no need to break in I will open the door!!

I worry worry and did I say worry?? I worry about the bills and how Im going to make it till the next paycheck. I wont lie I never really worried abouth that before until I started going through this damn divorce. Yes we made decent money together and I could go shopping mostly whenever but now that Im doing this by myself I dont remember what shopping is. Which is fine because Im learning how to make money last. I know the kids hate it because they always want to go and do things and I of course have to tell them I dont have the money. They act like they dont get upset but I know they do. I feel like Im trying my best to do this and raise them like they should be. Is it hard... YES am I giving it my all YES!! Will I give up NO!!! Poor Kaylan had tried all she knows to get me and her daddy back together and I have tried to explain to her that we cant get back together and I also tried to explain to her how a man should treat a woman and not be treated like I have been. All I ever want is for my kids to love and respect themselves and other people. Have I been perfect... NO!!! I was not perfect in our marriage either and I wont sit here and pretend its all his fault because we are both to blame!!! But I know we can both walk away from this in time and be fine again. I want to forgive and move on and not hold any hard feelings but that takes time.

I do have my own place now with the kids but on days that I dont have them I stay at my boyfriends house. Did I just say boyfriend??? Yes I did!!! I have know this guy for almost 2yrs and even though people laugh and make jokes about us being together because of how we look well he makes me happy!!! Its not always been peaches and cream trust me. I bring alot of trust issues and marriage problems to the table since Im not even divorced yet. I feel bad because I take ALOT of my issues out on my BF and its not fair to either of us. I will say that he has showed how to be loved and has shown me how to grow up and take responsibility for myself!! Hes WONDERFUL with the kids he loves them and treats them like they are his. Its great to sit back and watch him interact with the kids, it makes me feel good inside. One thing I dont like is feeling like Im living out of a suitcase. Its alwats back and forth from my place to the BF place and its always like Im running. He wants me to move back in, yes I said back in because I lived with him but had to move because I had and still have to get my life back together after a 15 year realtionship with the soon to be ex. But I know this BF of mine loves me trust me I do because he tells me all the time and shows me and I love it but dont wana rush like I feel like I always do.

Food.... lol I cant stop eating!! With all the stress I have going on I usually dont eat and end up losing alot of weight but this go round all I do  is eat!!! I hate it, I hate feeling like all I do is stuff my face day in and day out!! I gotta slow down or Im gonna gain and gain and gain!!

Well I just wanted to get some of what Im going through out and I know with GOD I WILL get through this!!! We all just have to have faith that GOD will lead us where he needs us not where we want to go!! He has a plan for all of us and we just gotta understand that GOD will never leave us or hurt us!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment