Goodbyes

I have had my fair share of goodbyes in my life time. First was my uncle Freddie that was involved in a truck accident in Canada. He was working for active transporation and I was in the 9th grade when he was involved in this terrible accident. I always looked up to Freddie like he was my dad, that man treated me like I was his daughter and took me everywhere. That was a hard goodbye because I loved that man so much.

Goodbyes are never easy on anyone trust me I have learned that at a very young age. I had to say goodbye to my granny that had cancer and I was in no shape or form ready to let her go and say goodbye. I was selffish and wanted her here longer with us. I couldnt accept the fact that she was in so much pain all I wanted her to do was keep fighting. I figured if she kept fighting our family could and would beat this. Man was I wrong. That too was a hard goodbye to say. Looking at her and telling her it was ok to go was the hardest thing I thought id ever have to deal with, well I wrong there too. Little did I know I had more goodbyes to make.

This is a goodbye that I still to do this day cant deal with and thats the goodbye to my mom. Mom was sick with cancer as well and yes we had a rocky relationship, what mother and daughter dont at times? Me and mom had really gotten close and having to tell her goodbye left a big hole in my heart that has never been healed. Im angry with her being gone, mad that GOD choose to take my mom!! WHY WHY WHY!!! Even sitting here typing this right now I have tears flowing down my face. I miss her sooo much. Its been almost three years since she passed away and I still dont understand, the hurt seems to never get easier.

I have had to say goodbye to a man that I have known for 15 years. We have been married for 12yrs and we have had our ups and downs way too many times. We have two BEAUTIFUL kids together but we were young when we got together and we grew apart. Did I think that would happen?? No not really because he was all I had really ever known. We were high school sweethearts that had fell in love. Ahh young love makes you so blind. Its that silly puppy love that you think will last forever. It didnt. That was a goodbye that really needed to happen even though it was hard it still needed to be done.

Goodbye to my pop was hard as well even though I had been saying goodbye it feels like all the time but it does at times get easier. His goodbye was unexpected. My pop held our family together and now that hes gone I just pray that we can all still remain close. My pop has always been there for all of us and its hard but I know he knew we all loved and cared for him the way he loved and cared for all of us.

I just said goodbye to a man I have fallen in love with because he decided that he wasnt ready for the whole family thing. He knew I came with two kids that want to be loved as well and he was fine with that until yesterday when he called me telling me that he couldnt do this any longer. REALLY??? Im hurt and pissed because I gave up ALOT for him and he doesnt realize that. But in the end I would rather he tell me now then later. Some of my friends and his friends say oh he loves you Michelle and you all will work this out but do I go with what my heart is telling me or with what my brain is saying I should do??? I just dont know anymore this is all to real and fresh to deal with. I know that GOD has a plan for me and yes I know I should be patient and let him guide my life and put all my trust and faith in the LORD and I do but its still hard because I feel like Im starting to get good at this goodbye thing since I have had to say it enough in my life time. GOD can and will get me through this I know he will because without GOD I have nothing but with GOD I have EVERYTHING!! So GOD im giving you all this anger and pain, you can have it because I dont want it anymore!!

Weekend recap...

This weekend was a lazy or I wished it was a lazy weekend lol. Friday I got the kiddos and we ordered pizza and just relaxed, sat we were up early and headed to lowes to buy mud for the kids bedromms that are being redone at the BF house. We got lunch afterwards, came home and mudded a little and then we baked a cake for the BF birthday. The BF turned 32 this saturday and me and the kiddos decided we would bake a cake for him!!!

Fondant that we bought that was neon colors, with the help of a cookie cutter the letters came out perfect!! Plus we made a fire truck since the BF is a fire fighter!!

Kaylan LOVED this project

Bradley rolling out the fondat

Finished cake, lol not the greatest but we had fun trying

Birthday boy with his cake!!

We had alot of fun baking and here lately that seems like all we do is bake. On sunday after the kids went home to see their dad I felt the need to bake again and decided on chocolate cupcakes with purple icing!! Yum Yum they are so delicious!!!! I really dont like cooking at all but decided I love to bake sweets and the BF and kiddos do to!!! Happy monday all!!!

Christmas just around the corner!!!

I am super excited about the holidays coming up that I cant wait to put up the tree and all the decorations and sit back and enjoy some Christmas music!! This Christmas will a different then all the other christmases that me and the kids have had together but with GOD we will all make this a wonderful Christmas!! So I did a little sneaky shopping for the BF "Boy friend" the other day. He left a magazine in my car so I decided to look and see what it was about lol it was a hot rod magazine! While I was looking through it I found something I knew he would love!! It was an ornament that was made into a motor ( a chevy big block to be exact) He loves anything to do with trucks and motors and all the other parts that go ino making a truck!! So without futher adue I give you.......

The chevy big block ornament for the tree!!

See me and the kiddos have our own special ornaments for the tree and the BF needed to have his very own!! We will make this a christmas to remember since the BF has always lived alone he has never had a tree up for christmas since he was a kid so this will be special for all of us. lol maybe a little eye opener for him since he doesnt have kids but none the less he loves my kids as if they were his own!! So to get more into the christmas spirit I decided to put some pics on here of the stuff I would LOVE to get from the BF. lol Its my little wish list!!!

Is this NOT the cutest mixer you have ever seen?? I love it and its Kitchenaid!!! I have been a baking fool lately and this would help out so much since me and BF burned up the hand held mixer!!

LOL who wouldnt want a starbuck IV bag on 24/7?? I LOVE STARBUCKS!! A gift certificate would be lovely since I cant possibly walk around attatched to a starbuck IV all day!! OH did I mention I LOVE STARBUCKS!!!

Ugg Boots... I LOVE LOVE LOVE theses boots!! You can get theses from zappos on line!! A little pricy but way too cute!!! Put some skinny jeans on with theses boots and its instant HOTT HOTT HOTT!!!

AHHH Pink!!! This is just screamimg... WEAR ME!!! I love victorias secert!!!

I also LOVE me some nike shox!!! And of course pink is my favorite color!!!


So thats a start for my wish list!!! I may add on later but it is just a wish!! What is your wish list this year????

You want honesty then you got it!!!

Ok lets go... I always blog mostly anout my kids (Yeah I know) Why because honestly its easier for me not to really think about whats really going on in my life right now. I dont have one of these fairy tale blogs where everything seems perfect because well Im not perfect and this is my life!!! I cant sleep at night all I do is toss and turn the entire night, why cant I sleep??? The funny thing is though that when I do fall asleep all I do is have these weird dreams and I do mean weird where Im being killed and chased. Why cant I dream of something good? Like naked hot guys lol no I have to dream about someone wanting to kill me!! If I hear a noise in my house I jump and then cant fall asleep because I keep waiting for someone to break in. Maybe they will break in a whisk me away to a far away nice warm beach!!! If thats the case no need to break in I will open the door!!

I worry worry and did I say worry?? I worry about the bills and how Im going to make it till the next paycheck. I wont lie I never really worried abouth that before until I started going through this damn divorce. Yes we made decent money together and I could go shopping mostly whenever but now that Im doing this by myself I dont remember what shopping is. Which is fine because Im learning how to make money last. I know the kids hate it because they always want to go and do things and I of course have to tell them I dont have the money. They act like they dont get upset but I know they do. I feel like Im trying my best to do this and raise them like they should be. Is it hard... YES am I giving it my all YES!! Will I give up NO!!! Poor Kaylan had tried all she knows to get me and her daddy back together and I have tried to explain to her that we cant get back together and I also tried to explain to her how a man should treat a woman and not be treated like I have been. All I ever want is for my kids to love and respect themselves and other people. Have I been perfect... NO!!! I was not perfect in our marriage either and I wont sit here and pretend its all his fault because we are both to blame!!! But I know we can both walk away from this in time and be fine again. I want to forgive and move on and not hold any hard feelings but that takes time.

I do have my own place now with the kids but on days that I dont have them I stay at my boyfriends house. Did I just say boyfriend??? Yes I did!!! I have know this guy for almost 2yrs and even though people laugh and make jokes about us being together because of how we look well he makes me happy!!! Its not always been peaches and cream trust me. I bring alot of trust issues and marriage problems to the table since Im not even divorced yet. I feel bad because I take ALOT of my issues out on my BF and its not fair to either of us. I will say that he has showed how to be loved and has shown me how to grow up and take responsibility for myself!! Hes WONDERFUL with the kids he loves them and treats them like they are his. Its great to sit back and watch him interact with the kids, it makes me feel good inside. One thing I dont like is feeling like Im living out of a suitcase. Its alwats back and forth from my place to the BF place and its always like Im running. He wants me to move back in, yes I said back in because I lived with him but had to move because I had and still have to get my life back together after a 15 year realtionship with the soon to be ex. But I know this BF of mine loves me trust me I do because he tells me all the time and shows me and I love it but dont wana rush like I feel like I always do.

Food.... lol I cant stop eating!! With all the stress I have going on I usually dont eat and end up losing alot of weight but this go round all I do  is eat!!! I hate it, I hate feeling like all I do is stuff my face day in and day out!! I gotta slow down or Im gonna gain and gain and gain!!

Well I just wanted to get some of what Im going through out and I know with GOD I WILL get through this!!! We all just have to have faith that GOD will lead us where he needs us not where we want to go!! He has a plan for all of us and we just gotta understand that GOD will never leave us or hurt us!!!

Boooo....

My babies dressed for halloween... Bradley wanted to be a gangster lol I dont think he knows what that is but he sured posed like he did and Kaylan was a beautiful fairy!! So we headed down to Louisville to my Aunt Cindys house and trick or treated there and had a blast!! They got more candy then even I know what to do with so Im sure around christmas time we will be throwing it out like always!! It was good seeing the kids with smiles on their faces after all they have been going through with this divorce. Some things kids just shouldnt be subjected to. Kids need to be kids and not worry about everything like mine do. All I want for them to know how very much I love them,they are my life and I would do anything for my babies!!! I love when I get to spend my weekends and days through the week with them!! They are loved more ways then they know and I only hope one day they can understand why mommy chose to do what she had to do!!!